WOUNDING OTHERS WITH WORDS

   Dr. Kathleen Pfaff

When we wound another spirit by making hurtful remarks or shaming a person ,we begin to destroy a relationship. Day after day I counsel couples who will come to me full of emotional turmoil toward their mate.  " I hate him, he is so insensitive and has no feelings!"  "Oh she is an angel alright...she is always harping at me."  He can't understand why she is so sensitive and she can't understand why he is so cruel with his remarks. Unless a person actually knows you are kidding, chances are they are offended by your remarks. If someone gets angry, becomes silent or starts crying after your so-called funny comment, then your kidding has become hurtful and nobody is laughing but you.  These negative statements affect every part of our internal being, and unless we resolve the habit of name calling, we will destroy our marriages, and future relationships.

In the Bible, in First Samuel, we read about a barren woman named Hannah. Year after year Hannah would go to the temple with her husband to pray to God. Instead of receiving comfort from friends, she was made to feel ashamed by her rivals who would add to her grief through irritation and scorn. She wept and would not eat. Elkanah, her husband attempted to console her by saying, "why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" This statement instills shame within Hannah for grieving, and guilt for wanting a child and assuming she is not satisfied with her husband. In bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant, but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life........." (I Samuel 1:6-11).

Holding on to our grief makes us hurt more. If Hannah had gone to her husband from the start and shared her burden with him, possibly Elkanah would not have been so insensitive. Many times we unknowingly hurt others by the tone of our voice or by bodily jesters. It's not what we say, but how we say it that causes the damage. Elkanah could have been more compassionate by saying "Honey, is there something I've done to offend you? Share with me your grief and let me pray with you. I love you and it hurts me to see you so unhappy. You mean more to me than ten sons and I am happy to have you to spend the rest of my life with." Any of these statements would have helped Hannah to feel comforted knowing she was loved unconditionally by the person she wanted to please most, besides God. As a counselor I've learned that success is based on compassion, patience and good listening skills. We must think before we speak to the wounded spirit, otherwise we add fuel to the fire even when our intentions may be good. When a person is wounded and depressed such as Hannah was, it takes time to grieve and time to heal. What Hannah needed most from her husband was a hug and a sympathetic ear.

When most of us were growing up, we heard the old adage, "sticks and stones may break our bones but names will never hurt us." According to Scripture, this statement couldn't be further from the truth. James tells us that the tongue of man is like fire, it corrupts the whole person. "With the tongue we Praise our Lord and Father and with it we curse men"...(James 3:6,9). King David was one of many throughout the Bible to be scorned with words of hate without a cause. In Psalms 69:20, he cries out to God, "scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none."

God gave us the ability to communicate through four major aspects; the mind, the body, the soul and the Spirit; Our MIND consists of mental intellect, memory, the way one thinks, believes or perceives. We use our minds in communication as we begin to share knowledge and logic. We also internalize our perceptions of an event or the words others say to us from books we read, role-molding from others and so on. We store this knowledge in our memory banks only to see the outcome over time. A person can be just as influenced by negative words as well as positive ones. The person receiving the negative remark oftentimes will internalize and store that remark as either being true or false. Does this affect self esteem? Sure it does. If a child is continually called "stupid" then chances are he will act as though it were true. Not because he is stupid, but because he believes he is stupid.

Communicating with our  BODY consists of touch, such as a hand shake or a pat on the head. We communicate with our actions oftentimes more than our words. If you tell me you love me but beat me with a bat on a regular basis, I will grow up a preety angry child with a misconception of what love is. Something as simple as a facial expression can either indicate to another person love, anger, hurt or happiness. Granted this interpretation is not always correct, but if you don't ask, you internalize the negative. One of my clients, Sue, always thought her husband was mad at her when he would distance himself and carry this stern look on his face. Sue walked on egg shells for years trying to do everything "right" so her husband wouldn't be mad at her.

"Sue, have you ever asked your husband if he was mad at you? Have you ever asked him why?"

"Oh No, I can tell when he's mad and I don't want to get into an argument."

"Maybe, he is not mad at you but mad at something else?" At this point I asked Sue to bring her husband to our next counseling session so she could confront him without feeling intimidated. When Sue's husband arrived I was surprised by his gentleness toward her and what appeared to me as being loving toward her.

I asked John some questions about his work and his relationship, just to get aquainted and to make him and Sue feel at ease. Then I told him why I asked him to come to this session.  John was shocked to find out how his wife was feeling and was very appologetic. "Honey, I would never intentionally hurt you. I come home tired and stressed from my job and just need some time-out to unwind from my day. I'm not mad at you and I'm sorry if I made you feel that way."

I explained to John that his body language and stand-off actions indicated to Sue that he was mad at her for some reason. "Why didn't you just ask me honey? I may have been mad at the boss, or a co-worker or the guy who cut me off on the way home, but I'm not mad at you. I know how my anger intimidates you becuse you take it personally, so I don't say anything at all. I just deal with it quietly on my own."

All John and Sue needed was to communicate with each other rather than assume what the other is thinking by way of body language. Given a few tools on better communication skills, the marriage is much healthier.

Our SOUL is the very core of our being, who we are as a person, our characteristics, our talents, our personality. We communicate from the soul when we trigger the emotions of others by using our own. When we weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice we are comforting and communicating to the soul. When a person sings a song, shares a home made gift, or does an act of charity, that person has communicated to us from their soul. We know this was an act of love and charity. It is genuine, its from the heart.

Our SPIRIT was sent to us by God, and for those of us who accept Him, He is our comforter who guides us by means of conviction and intuition. We have the ability to communicate with each other spirit to spirit by the language of intuition or an internal knowing. We can usually walk into a room full of people and know who is approachable and who is not without saying a word. We can sense unity or division just by the person's presence.

" This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence... (I John 3:19).

These are all examples of how a relationship begins, but how it develops depends on continued communication.  When making amends to your spouse or significant other, approach them with a calm, gentle, tone of voice. Ask that person what it was that you said or did that offended them (if you don't have a clue). Then most importantly, LISTEN. Don't try to advise, fix, lecture or minimize the situation by invalidating the persons feelings. When we wound a spirit, we are doing harm without considering the other person's feelings. None of us quite understand the damage words can do until we actually become a victim of such abuse ourselves.

To "H.A.V.E" a healthy relationship, remember the following:

H= Honor one anther's individual characteristics. To honor means to regard highly with great respect and admiration. He may be mechanical, but she's not. She may be a great cook, he can't boil water. This doesn't make either of you bad or stupid, just different.

A=Admit when you are wrong and make amends as soon as possible.

V=Validate the person's feelings. "You must feel pretty hurt because of what I said."

E=Express genuine love and gentle honesty! 

And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men. (II Timothy 2:24a).