Are You An Adult Child of An Alcoholic/Addicted Parent?

by DrKathy Pfaff

Most of us who grew up in families affected by the disease of alcoholism never did really grow up in many ways. Sure, we grew up physically -- but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually many of us are still stuck back there in early childhood. We never learned a "normal" way of thinking, feeling or reacting. Think about it. We were raised by people who never grew up themselves. We had no "normal" example to follow. How were we supposed to learn how healthy families related to each other? We sure didn't have any experience with it! Then we grew to adulthood ourselves, got married, and raised children who likewise had no clue as to how healthy and functional families were supposed to operate. How were we supposed to know how to be good parents? We'd never seen one in action!

The dysfunctional cycle continues. As long as things are going smoothly, we're fine. But let us experience conflict, controversy, or crises and we respond with less-than-adult-like reactions. Over the years, those who have studied the "adult child" phenomenon have compiled a list of common characteristics which many people, who grew up in dysfunctional homes seem to share; Adult Children of alcoholics may experience some of the following symptoms:

See if any of the following symptoms apply to you:

Having to guess at what “normal” is.

Have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end, ADD symptoms.

Telling a lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

You have difficulty having fun.

You have difficulty with intimate relationships, lacking trust in yourself and others.

Tend to overreact to changes of which you have no control.

Constantly seeking the approval and affirmation from others, including from alcoholic parent/s.

You feel different from other people.

Tend to be either super responsible or super irresponsible.

You are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

You tend to lock yourself into a continued course of dysfunctional action and chaos without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.

You tend to repeat the very same habits that you disliked the most in the alcoholic parent.

Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures, fearful in social gatherings.

Difficulty with personal identity issues (related to seeking constant the approval of others).

Frightened by angry people and personal criticism, tend to be hypersensitive.

Have become an alcoholic or addict yourself, married one, or both. apply. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic. The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.

Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim. Seems like bad luck follows you everywhere.

An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective (unconscious) behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties. (See Co-dependant traits also).

Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others than to be assertive.

An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.

A tendency to confuse and misunderstand feelings of love, sympathy and pity for others. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of, or that can take care of you.

Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings and Low self-esteem are common.

A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.

Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.

Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc. Tendency to react to things that happen rather than taking control and choosing not to be a victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others. A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self loathing, and loss of control of their environment. As a result, they spend tremendous amounts of time cleaning up the mess.

These characteristics are, of course, general in nature and do not apply to everyone. Some may apply and others not. If you would like to learn more about support group programs for those who grew up in alcoholic homes, check the resources from Al-Anon Family Groups or the Adult Children of Alcoholics organization.