Things Happy Couples Do To Maintain Their Relationship

by Dr Kathleen Pfaff

Having counseled many couples, I often see the negative side of the relationship first because that is what brings them to my office to begin with. However,  as the couple begins to apply some of the skills I learned during my 25 years of marriage, I began to witness much more happiness and longevity in relationships. I also interviewed couples I knew of, who had celebrated their 25th, 35th and 50th Wedding Anniversary to confirm my findings and to add to my list of things that happy couples do to maintain their relationship.

Before I give you my list, I have to share an interesting research that I found to be absolutely true; 

Researchers did a test using 2 groups of volunteers who were shown the same set of photographs to the opposite sexes. The first group of volunteers knew the people in the photos. The second group of volunteers had no idea who these people were. Both groups were asked to rate the attractiveness of the people in the portraits. And guess what happened? The viewers who knew and liked the person in the photo was picked to be better-looking than the viewers who did not know the subjects. In short, the study proved that the more we know, like and respect someone, the more physically attractive that person becomes to us.  Beauty really is, in the eye of the beholder. We have to believe in ourselves and realize that not everyone is attracted to everybody all the time. We have individual tastes, unique likes/dislikes and annoyances that can turn a person off. Being compatible is more than an astrology match, its about establishing and maintaining chemistry. The more you get to know a person you either grow to like them and want to spend more time with them, or there is just NO chemistry and you move on. So, back to the subject at hand...how do we maintain the chemistry?  I'm glad you asked!

Survey says;

1. Go to bed together. Going to bed at the same time shows that you want to experience the closeness that can only be found in bed. I have found that some of our best conversations occur with my head on my lovers shoulder lying in bed having pillow talks. (One of my favorites for sure). We also like watching a movie or our favorite sitcome in the bedroom. On special occasions, we have breakfast in bed...and desert to follow...if you know what I mean. The bedroom is an intimate place that only the two of you share. Decorate it in a style that you both love. Use Candles or soft lighting to set the mood. (If you have to argue, do it in another room of the house. keep the bedroom a sanctuary of love).

2. Have shared interests. Sharing your interests & ideas with your partner is one of the activities of happy Couples. They make an effort to find things that they both enjoy doing or make an effort to learn something new. I love ballroom dancing and he loves to fish. So I learned to fish and he learned to dance. We both love to camp and take long walks. We share the same likes in music, movies and books. We even read a novel together sometimes (in bed of course) and discuss the outcome or other scenerios that come up.

3. Hold hands and showing affection. Holding hands or grabbing a kiss in public, shows that you are still in love. Touching your partner is expressing affection in a loving manner. Its not about possession or trying to control. It’s a loving desire to be close and there is no shame in that.

4. Focus on the positive. Remaining positive is one of the important secrets of happy couples. Everyone has something that they dislike about their partner whether it is biting his fingernails at the table or  spending too much money on things you don't need. But couples that are happy focus more on the positive things about their partner, like the reasons you were attracted to each other and why you fell in love. They look not at the few things their partner does wrong but more so on all the things that they do right.Don't sweat the small stuff. If he or she is not being abusive in any way, then calmly and rationally discuss the small annoyances, but then let it go.

5. Being able to admit when they are wrong and choosing to forgive. One of the hardest things to do is to admit when we are wrong and ask for forgiveness. But couples that are responsible for their actions are much more likely to forgive and be forgiven. The maturity level is such that they know, “no one is perfect and all of us have character defects.” Working on those defects is the next logical step of action which shows your partner just how committed you are to the relationship.

6. Say words of endearment, "I love you just the way you are," or “you’re the best in my book,” or "You're still sexy to me," are all important sentences for happy couples to repeat often to each other. When you say these  words to your lover,  you are reminding them of how much they  mean to you and reaffirming for yourself  how lucky you are to have found them.

7. Communication, Communication, Communication!  It is vital to any long term relationship and all happy couples know of its importance. Couples who can talk to each other stay together because they take the time to resolve problems and discuss matters before they fester. "Don't go to bed angry" is advice I got from elderly couples married for 35 + years. "It's okay to disagree if you allow each other to remain a unique individual. Your partner has a brain and should be allowed to use it. I don't want my spouse to agree with me all the time, he has a right to his own opinion as I have to mine! Sometimes we agree to disagree on a certain topic. It doesn't make me right or him wrong...just different"  This great advice came from a wise woman who was married for 50 years and ahead of her time. She was also my 5th grade teacher that I kept in touch with over the years. She is such an inspiration to me and I love her dearly. (Mrs Percy, I will never forget you!)

Being able to communicate means that you can share the good things and discuss problems without getting angry. It also means that you probably talk to each other throughout the day whether it’s by way of email, text messaging, phone calls, notes in a lunch box or pillow talks. Happy couples Talk, discuss, negotiate and compromise to keep their relationship on the right track.

8. Remembering special dates: Valentines, Birthdays, Anniversary, Holidays, or other important dates to either or both partners, should be remembered as a way of saying, “You are important enough to me to remember these special moments.”

9. Keep the romance alive. Giving affection through hugs, kisses or flirting with each other across the room, a candle light dinner, a sexy piece of clothing or planning a regular “date night.” It creates a bond and keeps the romantic flames burning.

10. Show mutual respect. Each partner needs to respect the other and their dreams, desires and life ambitions even if it's not your cup of tea. Mutual respect means that consideration is taken for the others feelings even if you don’t always agree. You love them enough to let go because you want them to be happy and grow through their experiences by following their dreams. If things are meant to be, it WILL work out.

11. Walk Side by Side. This goes along with mutual respect. Be a team player, not a dominate coach who needs to control and have the final say nor a subservient slave who never rocks the boat. Respect one another's talents, skills and wisdom. If she knows how to handle the finances better then you, then let her have that job. If you are good at maintaining the car, keeping it in working order then take that job. If both of you hate dishes then hire a maid or do them together. If you both dislike cooking, take a class together and make cooking those new recipes a fun time in the kitchen.

12. Being "unfaithful" is not an option.. Cheating on one another is never a choice for the Happy couple. Their motto is, "Fat sheep don't jump the Fence." If you are meeting the needs of your partner, then they have no reason to leave the pen.